Overwhelmed and NaNo

This week has been busy.

A merry go round if computer issues saw me receive an upgrade just in time for NaNo.

A couple of solid days work catching up in preparation for a busy month ahead.

Falling over boxes of stuff that need to be packed away OR decluttered.

Neglecting the housework in favour of printing Writing Inspiration from Pinterest.

********

Yet I sit here today, on the eve of 2015 NaNoWriMo and I am quietly quaking. I have more than enough inspiration to write NaNo several times over.

For some reason I am nervous, which is crazy. Either I do it and win. Or I try it and lose. And really losing isn't such a big thing as long as I get words down right?

Today I could have spent the past two hours in practice or planning. Yet I have nothing in me. I have not picked up a pen and rather I have wasted procrastinated by googling all the things.

I am armed with an empty Novel Planner. Freshly printed pages awaiting my messy writing as I scrawl notes and add relevant information. There are pages in it that I will need more of, but I can print them out as I pace myself through the coming month.

A fear binds me to the ground. I want this month to go well but I cannot allow myself to burn out. The time has come where I want to make this a priority. I want to be able to say I am a writer and I spend xxx amount of days - writing. I am at the point where I want to write, then I berate myself because I do not prioritise it and then I tell myself that I am NOT a writer and I obviously do not want this as badly as I think I do.

Earlier this week I read a quick article via Twitter - you can read it here of how Kate Forsyth writes. If you follow the blog link, there is a series of writers sharing how they write on it. I think it is the simplicity of treating writing like it is a job. Of fronting up and actually doing rather than flittering about (which I am prone to do)

And it is about simplicity.

I think I add in far too many complex steps when I simply need to write.

So that's where my head is at today. I am on the verge of a gigantic canyon wanting to swallow me hole and I am dancing on the edge scared of what lies beneath.

I am about to take that leap and well... hold your breath for me. I will be back next week with news of success or sobbing in loss.  

2015 NaNoWriMo

I have swayed back and forth on NaNo this year. I really want to do it because I have barely picked up a pen to do ANY creative writing this whole year.

Except for a short stint of writing my memoirs... because EVERYONE will want to read those.

I think it has been niggling enough in the back of my mind that I am going to go for it. However I am sitting here frozen tossing up what I should work on. Starting a new story is out of the question, so I have limited myself to the following choices:

1. Continue with 2014 NaNo #winner {working title} Two Islands
a) I can finish the notebook I started writing it in
b) I can focus on part two of my existing story
c) I have ALL the research books & plotting points ready to go
d) It will force me to re-read the 2014 story and start on the editing

2. Little Book of Horrors {working title}
This was an exercise I started prior to NaNo. A short story of 14K words based on an eerie photo I found on the internet. The idea was a series of short stories all based on freaky photos. I found a treasure trove of them on Pinterest so I have more than enough to churn out min word counts each day.

Or perhaps I will do a mixture of both. Not limiting myself to any one genre. As long as I write 50K right?

I am in the Blog Wars

For three months I have walked into my office, sat down in my chair and after fighting to clear a space on my desk, I have sat and stared at the blank screen before me. 

Some days I have written a lot. Others very little. Then I have hovered my mouse over the "PUBLISH" button before hitting save and walking away. 

I have 14 unpublished posts. Over 4000 words of (I want to say wisdom... but more than likely they are just dribble) All of which contain everything and nothing. Each day I come here with renewed hopes of finding my voice and splashing it to the very corners of my blog. And then fear consumes me and I wilt away from the computer and turn from my words. Instead I turn inward and I write freely within the secure place of my journals. Last week I started writing in the 4th notebook of the year. Granted they are only 64 pages each but they are filled to capacity with words and colour and quotes and ME. Mostly they are filled with ME. 

Today enough was enough. I sat at my computer and I copied all those unpublished words into a word document. I then saved it under my personal (& unfinished memoirs) and then I returned to my draft list and I deleted every single one of those suckers. 

I feel so free having done this. 

Today I can start fresh with new words and hopefully I can resume regular blogging here once more. Uncensored words which I feel is the reason I have feared publishing so many previous attempts. While I have been writing deeply personal posts, I have been holding a part of myself back until I could no longer face this space and I let the fears overwhelm me. 

And that people is precisely my biggest issue.... OVERWHELM. 

In ALL areas of my life I am overwhelmed. 

My house is bursting at the seams with STUFF. 

My diary was missing vital information and I was ignoring the everyday STUFF that needed to be done. 

My life is full of appointments and STUFF yet I feel I am not advancing how I should be. 

It arrived at a point where I was ashamed to come here. I call myself a writer but I don't write. I call myself a blogger but I don't blog. I call myself an advocate for endometriosis and I fear sharing my own story.  

Then I begin to doubt myself wondering who the heck bothers to read my dribble. Am I really helping ANYONE or am I just talking to myself. Do I change the direction of this blog or do I let it take its own path to a destination unknown? 

It is these questions that keep repeating themselves over and over. And I realise today that I am effectively in a blog war with myself. Today I decide to win this war!